Thursday, March 24, 2011

Dear Blog

Dear Hypemachine,

I will update you soon. Pinky swear.


Friday, October 8, 2010

Compare and Contrast

It's time to figure out a new digital camera. One would think this would bring me great joy but in all reality I hate shopping for new stuff like this. Comparing and contrasting this model vs. that model...and all trying to do it within the budget I'm allotted. Dear Burglars, F-you.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Dear Burgler(s)

You came into my house Monday afternoon. Through my bedroom window. I was not home, but if I were you would not have been psyched with what I would have done to you.

Among other things, you took my iMac, my laptop and my camera (pictured). These were all really nice things. They're also replaceable - unlike your face if I ever see you in my neighborhood again. But what isn't replaceable are the photos you also took from me. Photos...memories that I'll never get back. Memories of mine that I'll never be able to share with family or friends. You took my creative kit and without such I am unable to participate in one of my most favorite hobbies, that of photography, and sharing it with whomever cares to look at how I see things.

You took bits of my soul. And my bath towel (which was probably used to cover up the iMac). I wiped my ass with that bath towel you shits. Now it's all over my iMac....or whoever else owns it now after purchasing it at a pawn shop.

You left no fingerprints for the cops to trace. But you scattered bits and pieces of dirt all over my bed when you came in through my window. Thanks. Assholes. You tore apart my roommate's room - but left all his cool shit. WTF? Not good enough for you?

You're off running around with a cool, fast, coupla' hundred bucks in your pocket to float you 'till your next job. Meanwhile I've had to turn parts of my life completely upside down, putting aside fun things and other things I'd rather be doing in order to deal with the cops, insurance and more or less not being able to do so many things that I love.

There are multitudes of things I would enjoy doing and saying to you. Many of which would land me behind bars. But unlike you, I'm going to take the high road. I'm not going to break into your house (if you live in one) and I'm not going to steal your shit (if you have any). No. Rather, a suggestion....

There's a place for you. A place that will gladly open it's arms and welcome you in. A place where you can rot. A place where you think it's cool but when you open your eyes you realize it's really not. No, it's not hell. It's a place called Boulder*. Boulder, CO; and considering the prospective clientele of that area, you'll probably do very well there. I suggest using some of that stolen money you 'earned' after stealing my property to help pay your way in getting there.

*Author's note: nothing personal to friends or friends of friends who are from or currently reside there.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Hey Salt Lake, I Fu*kn Love You

Happy anniversary, sweetie. Nine years ago today I landed here and immediately fell in love at first sight. I fall in love with you more every day. Thanks for being you and letting me do the things I love to do right in our back yard. Preserve the sexy, you fine piece of city.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Most Definitely a Gift

This just makes me want to get the most out of my life that I possibly can; doing the things I love to do.

The Barnes & Noble Bathroom Experience

Several people that know me also know that I friggen' love Barnes & Noble. It's by far one of my most favorite places to go when I've got nothing else going on, or when it's time to flip through the newest Surfer's Journal.

Every now-and-again the urge to do the business (drop trow, lay pipe, take the kids to the pool, etc...) will randomly strike me while flipping through readables at the magazine rack. Now, being one who isn't terrified of the public restroom, I quietly duck out to take care of the task at hand. Usually everything goes as planned. Except this one time. Join me, while I paint you this one-of-a-kind picture.

The Sugarhouse B & N (closest to my casa) men's room has three stalls. Two 'regular' stalls and then the handicapped stall at the end. Now, I try to avoid using the handicapped stall when regular stalls are available out of principle. I opened the door to the first stall - not a pretty sight. The next (regular) stall was occupied by a relative unknown, forcing me into my last option. Whew, the handicapped stall was both unoccupied and clean.

I posted up and began working on the project at hand (really trying to stay away from the typical bathroom jargon, here). I started flipping through texts on my phone and deleting old messages to pass the time and keep my mind occupied. But, while doing so, I couldn't help but notice the man's feet in the stall next to me. Correct me if I'm wrong, but not many people sit down with their feet pointing out at 90-degree angles. Nor do their feet twitch nervously - unless they're really bearing down and growling one out (sorry...descriptions you could do without...). All signs were pointing to 'no' with regards to this fella having b.m. troubles. Then it happened. An audible noise. No. Not a burp. Or a fart. Or a laugh, even. Any of those would have been welcomed. Rather, on the other side of the stall wall, I could hear a faint, "Whap, whap, whap." Then silence. Then more, "Whap, whap, whap." Then some rustling of whatever this dude was 'reading.' Then a few more whaps..."Whap, whap, whap."

Yeah, you get the idea. If you don't, share this with a friend and maybe they'll see what I'm getting at with regards to what this dude was up to. Needless to say, I cut this particular trip to the men's room short and got the hell out of there.

I still love me some B & N, though.

That Dog Named Joe

I moved into the place I currently live somewheres around October of 2007. This is now, officially, the longest I've lived in any single dwelling outside of my parent's house. I can hear the faint round of applause; thank you.

One fall afternoon back in the stacks of 2007, I recall being outside; I was bringing groceries in from my car. It was after work. I'd probably had a long day. And as I was walking up the sidewalk to my front door I remember hearing the lady across the street shouting. It went kind of like this:

"JOE! Come back here! Get over here! NOW!! JOE!!! Inside, now!!!"

So tell me, what the hell would you have done? Probably exactly what I did - never looked back and got inside the (my) house as fast as I could.

Instances similar to this kept occurring, randomly, over the next few weeks. Granted, it's my own fault I never went over to see what she needed me for. Then I met Joe; well, the other Joe, at least. The Joe that this lady had been shouting at the whole time. This Joe in particular stands, on all fours, about 12 inches off the ground, barks ferociously at times and actually comes to his owner on command.

People names for I know we can do better...